I am still believing for that miracle even if I feel like I’m dying as each moment passes by.

When will I be able to see the sun shine again?
When can I smile again?
That will be a miracle then.

I can’t remember her exact words but Pierce was asking her about dating and she said that she’s not really that type who “dates”. She’s more of the “singular” person (funny choice of words) and so Pierce asked her, “so do you ever get lonely”. She then answered no but that she tries to (you know have those “moments”) but she said that she’s just really happy. And this is the part that struck me. She said something like she just has so many people around her, in her life, that she loves and admires. Does she want them to be with her or live with her, she said “HELL NO!”. Some of them are married, some are not. But she said that she’s fine with just loving them from where she is, something like that.

I’ve never heard that from Oprah or Dr. Phil but that is one insight that I never expected I’d hear from Whoopi Goldberg! That is such a great thing which again just confirms what I said before that love is just about giving. It starts and ends at that. There is no waiting for a return.

I think looking back now, I’m more grateful and appreciative of the people whom God gave me to really practice love on by allowing them not to love me back. In high school (or well yeah, even in adult life haha) that is such a big deal and a lot of hearts got broken because we’re so caught up with that pain of not having that ONE person that we want for ourselves. I think if you ask every girl, her story will always include that one guy that she just can’t have. Of course, for some love stories, it ends happily with the girl eventually getting that guy in the end. Unfortunately for some, it’s been a sad story that keeps on repeating with almost every guy you meet that you just can’t have.

I think that the lesson, and I will tell this to my lovely daughters (by faith, with “s” haha) someday that we are allowed to like guys but we have to remember that not all of them serve the same purpose as what we have in mind than with what God has in mind. Because girls are just girls, we all want and wish for the same purpose for guys that we like. We want them to be our groom! From our first crush to our first love (puppy love) to our first true love (this is the second actually), then to our first long relationship (real love this time or so we say but it’s really the third already). I think girls just love all these firsts and ideals in our minds to the extent that we twist definitions just so the person we like could fit into our dreams.

Ah, but look at that insight from Whoopi. I am so happy to hear that from a woman like whoah, Whoopi Goldberg! Those people around her are so blessed to have her love.

It also made me realize that there are great lessons that can be learned only when we are not with the people we love, not just physically but like in reality just cannot be with them. There are also so many good things that can come out from being apart than being together, right? Like old lovers that became really good friends, hm like Vic Sotto and Dina Bonnevi? Haha, I can’t think of anyone right now.
Like when you’re together, you claim you love each other but all you do is fight and tear down each other but when you’re not together you just focus on giving. Of course marriage, in reality, is entirely a different thing, that involves a lot of fights as well but it’s not meant to be given up just because of those fights. Haha

Moving on, another equally important thing that Whoopi said that struck me also was about her not condeming Michael Phelps for smoking pot (or was it weed? I don’t even know the differnce). I am not even aware of the story or if it’s true or what not. But that’s irrelevant. What matters to me is what Whoopi said about her being okay with what Michael did because he did it at home. If he did it in public, because of who he is, that’s a different story. But he was at home. And Whoopi was like, she understood. Every person, even the most successful person in this world, experiences bad times just like anyone else. It’s like she gets it that it doesn’t matter whether you’re a public figure or not, you experience pain just the same. And here’s what struck me the most. She said, all these people condemning or saying you should do this or you shouldn’t do this because you’re a role model to the children, listen she said. Michael is not required to be the children’s role model, the children’s role model should be their parents but even parents can’t live up to that and so they point their fingers to someone else.

I’m not yet a parent but in my life, I think it applies just the same. Who am I really to judge someone else’s life? Am I their maker? Am I the one who orchestrated the environment that they grew up with, the people they met who loved them or hurt them, I mean who’s to say?

This reminded me of what Cito Beltran also said in his talk when he went to Los Banos and I was still in college back then. He said, “Do not judge the person whose life you’ve never lived”. So true! That includes all the past presidents. How can you judge them, have you been a president? And even if you have, you still didn’t become president at the same time and set of circumstances as him or her. I mean, in the same way, that I don’t want to be judged when I mess up right? Like how horrible I must feel to hear people speculate about my decisions, or my choices when I feel like they don’t have any right to because they’re not the ones in my shoes.

Love is about giving with no expectation of returns. Love is not even an investment. I mean yes, I understand how sometimes people say that you just invest that seed and it will grow, like for parents to just love their problem child or to a battered wife who longs that someday her husband is going to change because of her love. Okay so these are different topics altogether but to be brief, I still say that’s the wrong way of seeing things. Even when a person doesn’t change in his lifetime or in your lifetime, that is beside the point. You shouldn’t be disappointed or say like you did your best but this and that. There shouldn’t be any “buts”. You just love. You just give. And that ends there. The outcome is not up to you. And that applies as well to your enemies. To my enemies (wohoooo), to people that I lack patience with or just have none at all. Love just gives. Whether I understand or cannot comprehend why people or systems in the governement are just incompetent and inefficient and just horrible. I don’t need to understand why. That is irrelevant. To love is just to give.

Whoah, who would have thought I’d get some love lessons tonight. And from out of all the million people in the world, I’d get it from Whoopi Goldberg?! Yeah yeah!

Fantastic. Funny, awesome God.

I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of blessings but what I really want is the Giver of these blessings.

It’s not that I don’t want to go out or go to the beach, or have fun with my friends this summer. I want them too but I want You more! I’m super grateful for this season, summer time, the sunshine, time to relax and spend time with family and friends. But I don’t want my summer to be defined by fun weekend trips. I want YOU in every single day of it!

I really hate this feeling of being stuck in things to do, when work gets in the way of me doing the things that I want.

I left my previous job because work consumed me there and I found myself doing nothing else except that. That became my world. And now, I have a stress-free job, but still it’s work! I know it is a great blessing and a miracle too and I know so many people do not have a job or are stuck in jobs that they hate. I appreciate my job, I am grateful for the blessing.

But, it still consumes 8-10 hours of my day. Then I need to sleep 6-8 hours as science would dictate and good health would demand, and spend another 3-4 hours of eating, taking a bath, getting dressed, preparing for work and getting ready for bed. How many hours left for You?

Why can’t it be just You and me for 10 hours at least?

I’m probably just being lazy and finding a good excuse not to work. But I just really look forward to the day when I can do everything that I want and spend 24 hours of my day with You and nothing but You. No need for work. No need to go out with friends because they too will be satisfied in being with You.

I miss you terribly.
I can’t believe my weekdays and weekends are full. I’m almost tempted to wish myself to be ill even just for a day just to be with You. Or to ask for a problem, a serious one, so I can shut off everything else, easily say NO to everyone without any explanation needed and just be with You.

Oh how I long to be with You.
You may fill my life with good things, good memories, good people and just goodness in everything I breathe but nothing and noone could ever replace You.

No pleasure comes close to what only You can give.

Your love is irreplaceable.
I want to drown in You.

Oh will You not come already and take me with You?

Some people say that fairytales are only for children or for those who refuse to become mature and accept life’s reality which is far, if not the exact opposite, from fairytales and happy endings.

But I am a child! And will always be because my Father happens to be God. Yihaa! He promised He’ll be here forever so that means I can be a child as loooong as I want!

What I like about fairytales apart from the fact that they are always beautiful stories with plots that develop progressively from bad to good, is that they always give me pleasure after reading or watching or coloring (haha) them because they never fail to have a happy ending.

I mean, that’s the reason why I really can’t understand why some people actually decide to show horror films on Christmas, of all seasons. Are people in so much misery that they’d rather escape loneliness by resorting to having emotions of fear and distress instead?

I’m sorry but I want my heart to remain warm, if not burning hot with love (wiheee), but not frozen with fear, dear no. I know it has its tendencies to become cold, very cold, at times but that was just the old way of survival. So back to fairytales, I love them because they keep my heart warm and cozy and light and hopeful!

The concept of happy endings is great! It gives you hope and assurance that you can endure whatever painful and miserable circumstances you have now because in the end, all will be well. Isn’t that great? Just saying it makes me feel so good already.

This promise of happiness, euphoria, peace and blessedness in the end is more than enough already. Really more than enough, knowing that what we do deserve is just the opposite.

Imagine having to have worked so hard, dealing with life’s battles and going through all miseries, heartaches and disappointments, then in the end even if you survived them all and lived, the moment of your victory is but temporary. You will die. Everyone dies. And so what of your hard work? OR of your success and pleasures? The whole book of Ecclesiastes very well discuss this. Everything is meaningless the teacher says.

So knowing that there’s something better that awaits you in the end, that’s really too much of a blessing.

But let’s face it. The waiting for that happy ending can be gruesome and disastrous! And that’s where the series of unfortunate events come in. I’m not going to discuss the details of waiting because I’m no expert at that. But what I just want to say is that God is just so kind, so out of this world but so near and involved in this world too. He’s so gracious, so sweet that He not only promises us happiness when all this is over but He gives it to us even in this wretched world here and now! Ayayay!

He doesn’t have to. It’s unnecessary. Love, joy, peace, these things are the valuables. They are what matters even if they don’t come easy.

As Beth Moore explains in her devotional study book Breaking Free, she fears that “we may have become so legalistic in many of our Christian circles that we’ve dropped the word “happy” from our religious vocabulary even when it’s appropriate.” Because joy and blessing seems more lasting and more Christianese I guess.
But it’s true sometimes God just makes us HAPPY! Beth balanced her statement when she said that “happiness is inappropriate when it’s our goal but it’s not inappropriate when it’s God’s momentary gift. Open it. Enjoy it. And remember it when times get tough.”

I certainly won’t forget this!

Haha! Happiness indeed. Almost happy in a funny embarrassing way knowing God has to do all this.

Okay so I didn’t get all these stuff. Haha, the bigger bouquet of roses was from my Pops to Mamu. Haha, I only got the smaller one and this! Shks I can hear growing old with you in the background, hay, sweet happiness.

This little black chocolate heart I gave to Mamu. But what I got in exchange was my favourite cookies and cream cake from Red Ribbon that I don’t get enough of regularly because they don’t sell it in single slices. Bitter. Haha. Too impractical naman to buy the whole thing. So thank you pops! I think I only mentioned it once to him in passing that that was my favourite flavour and he remembered!

But before Pops came home, when I arrived earlier and got to my room after my date (with my best friend of course haha, who else), I found this.

Ah thank you mamu! Hahaha, kafunny gid ya!

Thank you Dada. I really appreciate this kind gesture.
Haha, funny God! This was completely unnecessary. You don’t need to do something so little and lowly like this because You’ve already done the super big overwhelming gestures of showing your unfailing love for me. Thank you for everything You’ve done and for doing this little big thing as well.

Just when I thought I was already about to pass the test of enduring this world-made day of romance for lovers and tragedy for singles, you did this ha. Even using a stranger to give me a long stemmed rose? Now who can do that?! Only YOU!

All these cheesy stuff from morning to night just to say Happy Valentine’s Day to me? Hm what statement are you trying to make? Haha, okay okay. It’s official. This is the most unforgettable Valentines Day I’ve had so far! Plus that flower girl basket of flowers for France was also a super funny idea Dad. Haha, thanks again!

And how much more the happiness thereafter?

Mother Teresa said that for “love to be real, it must cost, it must hurt, it must empty us of self.”

True, which is why, I believe the best practice to truly love someone is to not be loved in return. Unrequited love. This way, you can really focus on just giving and giving without expecting anything in return and really, without receiving anything in return.

Another good way to practice, but is way harder, is loving your enemies. Which means, you behave in a way that you love them even when your feelings say otherwise. Really a hard concept to follow if you’re not aware of how much God has loved you even when you were His mortal enemy. Even now and in the future when we act as if we’re His enemies, when we disobey and rebel against Him, He just continues to love us just the same.

So learning to truly love is hard. I need more years, more enemies (not really a problem since there’s so many people out there who are so not likable), to practice.

But thank God for what He has revealed to me, that eventhough perfect love can be found only in Him, when the time comes when He allows me to have a loving relationship here on earth, I’m thankful that I should not be guilty about having such high standards and non-negotiables. Because, in this world we live in nowadays, not even I love you will suffice anymore to give your heart away to that ONE person. As Pastor Sonnny Oaman said, only two words will suffice.

I DO.

Oh yeah, raise the bar ay! Because God only has the best things in store for us and deserves only the best in our relationships for Him to be honored.

So bring them all, whether personally-known or “public servants” on TV or just strangers on the streets (especially during traffic huh), they will be my love practice partners. Must practice and train hard while waiting for that I DO and before I can say I DO myself.

I don’t think I’ve said sh*t this 2011, not until today or up until an hour ago.

I said it so many times in the past 60 minutes and so loudly in my head because I couldn’t say it out loud at home. I myself am surprised about it and quite anxious as well if the reaction is even appropriate or should I even apologize for it.

It was like seeing a bride so overwhelmed with all the emotions that when she finally reached the altar and met her groom and will now be taking her vows, instead of saying I do, she said sh*t. Ooopsie.

I really hope that won’t happen to me.

I’ll save my judgments for myself later but for now, I just want to remember this moment coz I’m as shocked as any friend of mine to hear that I’ve said sh*t so many times at something such as this.

Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me.
See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land.
The fig tree forms its early fruit, the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.

(Song of Songs 2: 10-13)

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii*******eeeeeeeekkkkkkkkssssssss!!!
Too GOOD to be TRUE.
Crazy!

This was not the first time that I’ve read Song of Songs. It is one of my most read books in the Bible though I’m more of a sucker for Isaiah and Jeremiah. And I know for sure I’ve read more heart-piercing and super sweet verses from those two books than from the Song of Songs.

My first Bible was a King James version and I had it when I was 14. It was just there sitting at home, collecting dust. But it was pink so hehe! Now almost 12 years later, I’ve read it probably a couple of times from Genesis to Revelation, enduring Numbers and Leviticus of course, but only now, ah, only now!

I believe that’s why it’s the best book ever or book of books ever! You can never say I know that already even if you’ve read it a thousand times from cover to cover. It is more than just a compilation of books, it is a great great story made by the GREATEST STORYTELLER from the ANCIENT OF DAYS. And more than just a story, it is also an intimate letter, a great communication tool that links us to the LARGER THAN LIFE that we belong to from the past until the future reveals itself. That is why it has deep revelations in it even in those same old verses that you have even already memorized because you’ve read them so many times.

I guess a million thank you’s would have been more appropriate, or hallelujah even. I know that my sh*t reaction probably stained the moment of beauty that we had right there but I’m so glad that You see through my heart and understand beyond what my words can only strive to say.

Shikes Dada. Words really do not suffice.

April 13, 2009 Monday @ 4:10 AM
Everything is a mess without You and apart from You. It’s hard going back. Words which used to be part of my life now seem hard to believe. I’ve never been away from You this long and going back seems a blur. Like what to do or how, I don’t know.

April 23, 2009 Thursday @ 8:00 AM
(Reading my old notes from Christmas service in 2007) Your value is independent of your worldy accomplishments or even how the world values you or how you value your self. Even without doing anything yet, even as a sinner, you were already chosen and highly valued.

Remember the paper money. No matter how cramped or even torn it is, put them together and the value remains. Your value, in His eyes, never changes no matter how great or messed up your life is.

April 24, 2009 Friday @ 9:20 PM
I think that’s just Your way, Your nature, who You really are. People like me rebel and You respond in kindness, mercy and love. That’s how You’ve been all these years. And still are. No one is like You.

April 25, 2009 Saturday @ 9:10 PM
The deeper you go into that wrong road, eventually you’d turn back and you wouldn’t see where you came from. You’d forget. And you’d have a hard time figuring out what and how to go back.

My life has never been this messed up. I thought two years ago when I was a bum and unemployed, that was the worst point of my life. But now, even with my dream job, I’m still unhappy. It is possible to have your dream job and not be happy. Dreams aren’t everything. Dreams are nothing without Him.

April 27, 2009 Monday @ 8:35 PM
Unworthy to have all these, to be here, to be alive, to experience it all.

May 30, 2009 Saturday @ 10:15 PM
If I meet a person like me, I wouldn’t like her. I don’t like me now.

May 31, 2009 Sunday @ 11:00 AM
“Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in Your law” (Psalm 119:18)

June 21, 2009 Sunday @ 5:35 PM
My only hope now lies on who You are, who my God is. “Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done. Not because of what I’ve done but because of who You are.”(song called I am Yours)

June 21, 2009 sunday @ 10:00 PM
Thank You for the assurance of love and salvation. At the end of the road, after all my failures, disappointments and frustrations — You still await me with wide-open arms overflowing with love. There’s no other God like You!

June 24, 2009 Wednesday @ 6:40 PM
Miracles still happen. what you’ve done for me in the past two days were trademarks of Your unconditional love. It’s a shame to displease You after everything You’ve done.

June 25, 2009 Thursday @ 7:50 PM
There are just people who are experts in making others feel so small, stupid and low as if they have no worth as a human being. How I manage to deal with all those emotional attacks was all because of my security in You. I am Yours. I know my worth is not dependent on my success or failure but on what You’ve done for me on the cross.

June 27, 2009 Saturday @ 7:50 PM
I’ve been given way too many chances.

July 5, 2009 Sunday @ 10:20 PM
I want to remember today. Putting all details aside, I just want to remember today because after a year, today marks the beginning of my journey back to You.

July 11, 2009 Saturday @ 5:55 PM
These past days, weeks, months, year — I know I’m only reaping the consequences of following my own will over Yours. No one in this world can ever comprehend Your forgiveness, mercy and love except those who have been shown pardon. How to thank You I don’t know. Do I deserve a second chance, certainly not.

From the bus stop, I have to walk four blocks in going to the office. I don’t ride the jeepney anymore not just to save me a few pesos but because I love walking (just as I used to in going around the campus back in college). But one particular Monday, because I had new shoes and they were 4 inches high(I just wanted to try how it feels to be 5’4″ haha) and I was running late for the flag ceremony, I took the jeepney. Since I’m not really sure of the price increase/decrease (I just lost track) of the minimum fare, I paid P8.00 just to be safe. Then the person beside me whom I asked to make pakisuyo to hand in my fare to the driver asked me, P8? and gave me a bothered look. I just nodded. Then the driver, after receiving the P8, counted it and gave back my P1. That just made my day.

I still was late for the flag ceremony that Monday but even if I wasn’t able to sing the national anthem (which I really take pride and pleasure in), I knew I was just proud to say that this country is our lupang hinirang with people like that manong driver .

This incident also reminded me of another similar experience when I went to Davao for a training last month. We went to Vangkeruhan where we found those famous one to five pesos ukays placed in random piles in karitons. In the truest sense of the word ukay, I really had to ukay in order for me to see the rest of the pile. My patience and perseverance paid off as I was able to scout 12 pieces of clothing including two one-piece swimsuits for only two pesos each.

When I paid, it had just slipped my mind that each piece I bought cost only two pesos. Obviously, it’s not everyday that I can buy something for two pesos only (I’m not really fond of buying candies so it’s kind of rare for me). So when I gave my best finds to the manong for him to wrap, he said 24, and I thought he meant 24 pieces not P24 pesos. So I gave him P50 (two pieces of P20 and P10 coin) and he only took P24.When I gave back what I though was an excess in his change, he told me I only owe him P24 and I was left to say, “Oh.” I was an innocent visitor in the city, and he really could have chosen not to give me the exact change.

I guess being saturated with all the corruption talks and the negativity, I was just really surprised to experience honesty and kindness.

Date: 28th of March
Event: Niko’s Birthday
Place: Mall of Asia, Luneta Park, Tita’s house
Purpose: To eat and bond with the family
No. of participants: 15
Oldest participant: 73 years old (Tito Pids, the oldest in the 16 siblings of my mother)
Youngest participant: 7 months old(Elisha, new born kiddie of my cousin)

Highlights: After spending the day at Mall of Asia, eating twice(full meals) in 5 hours, and exercising by walking, we decided to walk some more to satisfy our thirst for some history. Serious, haha.

These are two group shots (though incomplete) taken at the walang-kupas(see for yourself) Japanese garden in Luneta park, with only P10 as the entrance.

I have grown to love Luneta. =)

Date: 6th of April
Event: Non-working holiday
Place: The nearby Hills
Purpose: To exercise (at least try)
No. of participants: 6
Oldest participant: 51 years old (Tital Len,fourth youngest sibling of my mother)
Youngest participant: 14 years old (Niko, my cousin)

Highlights: It was my first time to wear rubber shoes in a really long time which made the difference in this usual walk of ours to the Hills. I really was serious in my effort to exercise, at least try. It may not be visible in these pics but observe the rest and you’ll know what I mean.

Date: 9th of April
Event: Non-working holiday
Place: The nearby Hills
Purpose: To visit the Groto
No. of participants: 6
Oldest participant: 51 years old (Tital Len,fourth youngest sibling of my mother)
Youngest participant: 14 years old (Niko, my cousin)

Highlights: There are a lot of cool sights here in the nearby hills where we live. We’ve stayed here for more than three years and it’s only now that we were able to visit this Groto they’ve been talking about.

Date: 10th of April
Event: non-working Holiday (Good Friday)
Purpose: To show off the Hills to the newcomers
No. of participants: 7

Date: April 11-12
Event: Non-working holiday
Purpose: Night swimming at Los Banos
No. of participants: 12
Composition: 1 senior citizen (my mamu), 4 elders (mum’s older brother and 3 younger sisters), 5 cousins(two from Iloilo), Annabanana and me

On our way to Los Banos, we figured we needed ice so we thought of dropping by 711 at Crossing Calamba. But where to put those ice cubes? We needed an ice box! Solution: Stop over @ Tita’s bahay kubo at Calamba. Her bahay kubo had so many flowers around. Loved it!!!

Look at those eyebugs! Ew! Huhu

Then off we went to Splash Mountain, where I’ve been countless times but never like this. All eight swimming pools were full. I was never able to swim, not even a minute. All I did was soaked my feet and legs and enjoyed the hotspring. But many of my cousins and my aunts have never seen a resort like Splash Mountain. I don’t think there’s one in Iloilo yet. So they enjoyed it. I enjoyed it na din.

At 4AM, we had an early(way early) breakfast at Burger King in Calamba. Stayed there til about 530 and off we went to UPLB!!!! I missed my UPLB!

I was just so proud showing off my school to my family. Everyone was like, your school is huge! I toured them around, to every single (oh well, major, not all) landmark that I have all loved and cherished when I was still in college. And goodness, how is it that I was there for four years yet never took a picture of Oble (yup this one using my phone was the first, great great haha) or just any of the buildings there? So here. But these are only a few. This is not a good photo documentation of our tour. I wasn’t thinking much about taking pictures. UPLB took my breathe away once again just as in my early days in school until my graduation.

The Student Union Building (where I used to borrow books during Freshman year but after that, I’ve been there but not for the books, haha)

My uncle was particularly amazed with this tree and so with the many other trees in the campus. He’s the first person I saw who bothered to look at the names/labels of the trees around campus.

At the famous carabao park, where I often hang out before & after class. I missed the kalachuci flowers!!!

Shots of me behind a tree near the Engineering building and another under the Kwek-kwek tower.

After I exhausted my my cousins and Uncle (while the rest of the elders took a nap) going around the campus boasting of my beloved school, we went straight to Makiling Botanic Garden. I first went here when I was in my 3rd year of High School during our field trip but I was asleep at the bus so I wasn’t able to take a peek on what it is. During college, I went here several times, for class, with friends and alone just to be close to nature and enjoy the peace and quiet.

Here are samples of the fauna there, of which, sadly, I failed to remember their names. Sorry.

When we got there, I brought them to the picnic tables near the river. It’s sad seeing these tables abandoned now, I mean they’re old and not maintained anymore. Despite its not so excellent condition of facilities, the garden is still visited by families and friends because like I said, it can really bring you closer to nature and give you the peace away from the urban or busy-rural life.

Here’s a picture of mom near the river and myself, using the leaf as a fan to shoo away the insects.

It took us hundreds of steps going down and you can imagine how the elders complained of their knees and feet being exhausted, not in going down but going back up. everyone just had a full dose of a morning work-out.

We ended our trip by visiting our national hero’s home in Calamba, Laguna. Pictures to follow.

So when I heard the news that he got sick and is still sick yet failed to go to the doctor, of course I was sad. Because when a man gets sick, especially a hardworking man, he deserves a medical check-up. But because of poverty, eventhough he feels the pain and the discomfort he chose to bear it all to himself. Perhaps, there is no money. If there is, the little that he has, he would prefer to spend it for his family and not for himself. That’s for sure.

Then last night, I heard that this man has something for me, a “pasalubong”. Bringing home apasalubong is a tradition for Filipinos who leave the house, whether for a long travel or just a short trip. Coming home and bringing the pasalubong is a gesture of kindness, of love and of the delight that one is back home.

While this man doesn’t live at my house and is not coming home from a trip, he gave the pasalubong or padala to my cousins who were on the first flight to Manila from Iloilo today. This man lives in Iloilo City, my hometown. I haven’t seen him and his family for a while now.

His gesture of kindness pierced my heart. Why out of poverty, someone would still choose to give when he has nothing much for himself? Or if he may have a little, but why he didn’t spend it for himself and instead put me first?

Why bother right? When poverty is like the ultimate valid excuse for not being able to give. It is okay not to give when you have little or nothing. It is not a bad thing, it is an acceptable act. So why bother? The world would understand. I understand.

But he bothered. He went out of his poverty (or maybe he doesn’t even see it that way) and delighted in being able to offer me and my family a little something. A man like this is a rare breed in our world these days. Many of us are so absorbed in ourselves — our needs, our comfort and of course, our problems. It is all about us and we want it that way. But this man, despite his poverty, showed me kindness unlike any other.

And I am unworthy. Most of the time I even fail to reply to their texts, even if I know they only borrowed a cellphone from their neighbor in order to text me. Now why would I do such a cruel thing like that not just to the man but also to his eager 10-year-old daughter who only wants to know how I was doing? Well, I’m just like, many others in our world today who would say they’re “busy“. Being busy is such a cruelty to our families.

I also have a higher salary than this man, way higher. But of course, it’s not about money. I know this for a fact but sometimes, life comes down to that and for a time, I believed it was indeed about that. He works at a grocery store and with his frail body, does so without complain carrying boxes of groceries even though he feels the pain. The good working attitude of this man shows why he is still employed up to this day despite being on a 6 month contract only, as many casual employees are in grocery stores and other companies. Still after more than 5 years, the management chose to employ him again and again.

I don’t have kids to feed. Although I’m indebted to help my family financially, during times when I’m unable to give, I know they won’t starve to death. But this man’s kids probably would. And so he perseveres despite his limitations and weaknesses and sticks it out day after day for his wife and two kids.

I have a lot to give but haven’t. He has little and yet. Woe to me!
Which reminds me that the global economic crisis or just living a “practical” life or having low salary is no excuse for not being kind.

It is not about how much or how many that we give, the amount doesn’t count. Kindness you wouldn’t feel if you won millions in a lottery. You wouldn’t even think that God was kind enough to give you such big amount. Kindness you would feel from those who despite having little or nothing, go beyond their poverty and do not dwell in self-pity but instead do a little gesture that shouts, “I care.”

And that is probably why kindness of this kind is not just heart-warming but heart-piercing. The biggest surprise in this is realizing that amidst all the busyness and craziness in this world, someone out there still cares for you. Someone you have been wanting and planning to help. Someone you thought needed your help. But at the end of the day, it was you they helped. Because alas! It was you who needed help after all.

It was I who was dying for this kindness to affirm that life can be beautiful again depsite of.

I guess life is indeed unfair. Those who don’t deserve it receives mercy, or kindness in this case. And those who need it the most doesn’t receive any from those of us who CAN GIVE it to them.

SAD SAD CRUELTY.