Excerpts from my notes which account for the exhausting journey I’ve had in the past three or four months. But at the end of it all, He still stoop all the way down to make me great.

April 13, 2009 Monday @ 4:10 AM
Everything is a mess without You and apart from You. It’s hard going back. Words which used to be part of my life now seem hard to believe. I’ve never been away from You this long and going back seems a blur. Like what to do or how, I don’t know.

April 23, 2009 Thursday @ 8:00 AM
(Reading my old notes from Christmas service in 2007) Your value is independent of your worldy accomplishments or even how the world values you or how you value your self. Even without doing anything yet, even as a sinner, you were already chosen and highly valued.

Remember the paper money. No matter how cramped or even torn it is, put them together and the value remains. Your value, in His eyes, never changes no matter how great or messed up your life is.

April 24, 2009 Friday @ 9:20 PM
I think that’s just Your way, Your nature, who You really are. People like me rebel and You respond in kindness, mercy and love. That’s how You’ve been all these years. And still are. No one is like You.

April 25, 2009 Saturday @ 9:10 PM
The deeper you go into that wrong road, eventually you’d turn back and you wouldn’t see where you came from. You’d forget. And you’d have a hard time figuring out what and how to go back.

My life has never been this messed up. I thought two years ago when I was a bum and unemployed, that was the worst point of my life. But now, even with my dream job, I’m still unhappy. It is possible to have your dream job and not be happy. Dreams aren’t everything. Dreams are nothing without Him.

April 27, 2009 Monday @ 8:35 PM
Unworthy to have all these, to be here, to be alive, to experience it all.

May 30, 2009 Saturday @ 10:15 PM
If I meet a person like me, I wouldn’t like her. I don’t like me now.

May 31, 2009 Sunday @ 11:00 AM
“Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in Your law” (Psalm 119:18)

June 21, 2009 Sunday @ 5:35 PM
My only hope now lies on who You are, who my God is. “Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done. Not because of what I’ve done but because of who You are.”(song called I am Yours)

June 21, 2009 sunday @ 10:00 PM
Thank You for the assurance of love and salvation. At the end of the road, after all my failures, disappointments and frustrations — You still await me with wide-open arms overflowing with love. There’s no other God like You!

June 24, 2009 Wednesday @ 6:40 PM
Miracles still happen. what you’ve done for me in the past two days were trademarks of Your unconditional love. It’s a shame to displease You after everything You’ve done.

June 25, 2009 Thursday @ 7:50 PM
There are just people who are experts in making others feel so small, stupid and low as if they have no worth as a human being. How I manage to deal with all those emotional attacks was all because of my security in You. I am Yours. I know my worth is not dependent on my success or failure but on what You’ve done for me on the cross.

June 27, 2009 Saturday @ 7:50 PM
I’ve been given way too many chances.

July 5, 2009 Sunday @ 10:20 PM
I want to remember today. Putting all details aside, I just want to remember today because after a year, today marks the beginning of my journey back to You.

July 11, 2009 Saturday @ 5:55 PM
These past days, weeks, months, year — I know I’m only reaping the consequences of following my own will over Yours. No one in this world can ever comprehend Your forgiveness, mercy and love except those who have been shown pardon. How to thank You I don’t know. Do I deserve a second chance, certainly not.

I know a man who is in his late 30s. Just like many Filipinos, he does more than what his body is capable of just to feed his family. When I see or hear about a hardworking man who does everything for his family despite his physical limitations, I am inspired. I always want to wish him well and his family.

So when I heard the news that he got sick and is still sick yet failed to go to the doctor, of course I was sad. Because when a man gets sick, especially a hardworking man, he deserves a medical check-up. But because of poverty, eventhough he feels the pain and the discomfort he chose to bear it all to himself. Perhaps, there is no money. If there is, the little that he has, he would prefer to spend it for his family and not for himself. That’s for sure.

Then last night, I heard that this man has something for me, a “pasalubong”. Bringing home apasalubong is a tradition for Filipinos who leave the house, whether for a long travel or just a short trip. Coming home and bringing the pasalubong is a gesture of kindness, of love and of the delight that one is back home.

While this man doesn’t live at my house and is not coming home from a trip, he gave the pasalubong or padala to my cousins who were on the first flight to Manila from Iloilo today. This man lives in Iloilo City, my hometown. I haven’t seen him and his family for a while now.

His gesture of kindness pierced my heart. Why out of poverty, someone would still choose to give when he has nothing much for himself? Or if he may have a little, but why he didn’t spend it for himself and instead put me first?

Why bother right? When poverty is like the ultimate valid excuse for not being able to give. It is okay not to give when you have little or nothing. It is not a bad thing, it is an acceptable act. So why bother? The world would understand. I understand.

But he bothered. He went out of his poverty (or maybe he doesn’t even see it that way) and delighted in being able to offer me and my family a little something. A man like this is a rare breed in our world these days. Many of us are so absorbed in ourselves — our needs, our comfort and of course, our problems. It is all about us and we want it that way. But this man, despite his poverty, showed me kindness unlike any other.

And I am unworthy. Most of the time I even fail to reply to their texts, even if I know they only borrowed a cellphone from their neighbor in order to text me. Now why would I do such a cruel thing like that not just to the man but also to his eager 10-year-old daughter who only wants to know how I was doing? Well, I’m just like, many others in our world today who would say they’re “busy“. Being busy is such a cruelty to our families.

I also have a higher salary than this man, way higher. But of course, it’s not about money. I know this for a fact but sometimes, life comes down to that and for a time, I believed it was indeed about that. He works at a grocery store and with his frail body, does so without complain carrying boxes of groceries even though he feels the pain. The good working attitude of this man shows why he is still employed up to this day despite being on a 6 month contract only, as many casual employees are in grocery stores and other companies. Still after more than 5 years, the management chose to employ him again and again.

I don’t have kids to feed. Although I’m indebted to help my family financially, during times when I’m unable to give, I know they won’t starve to death. But this man’s kids probably would. And so he perseveres despite his limitations and weaknesses and sticks it out day after day for his wife and two kids.

I have a lot to give but haven’t. He has little and yet. Woe to me!
Which reminds me that the global economic crisis or just living a “practical” life or having low salary is no excuse for not being kind.

It is not about how much or how many that we give, the amount doesn’t count. Kindness you wouldn’t feel if you won millions in a lottery. You wouldn’t even think that God was kind enough to give you such big amount. Kindness you would feel from those who despite having little or nothing, go beyond their poverty and do not dwell in self-pity but instead do a little gesture that shouts, “I care.”

And that is probably why kindness of this kind is not just heart-warming but heart-piercing. The biggest surprise in this is realizing that amidst all the busyness and craziness in this world, someone out there still cares for you. Someone you have been wanting and planning to help. Someone you thought needed your help. But at the end of the day, it was you they helped. Because alas! It was you who needed help after all.

It was I who was dying for this kindness to affirm that life can be beautiful again depsite of.

I guess life is indeed unfair. Those who don’t deserve it receives mercy, or kindness in this case. And those who need it the most doesn’t receive any from those of us who CAN GIVE it to them.

SAD SAD CRUELTY.

“Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place.”

Thank You Don Romantico. =)

It takes great courage and humility to continuously put aside the failures of yesterday and not allow it to take too much of today.

It’s a tough battle.

But You’re not giving up, are you?

If peace be in your heart, the wildest winter storm is full of solemn beauty – Charles Francis Richardson

There is a vast difference between pleasure and blessedness; The music of life lies not in our circumstances but in our soul – Streams in the Desert

We had much fun then…

Til now, twenty years later.

But off he goes again, 9 months ’til we see each other again.

Love you POPS!

Today, my family and I had rice, adobong kangkong, ampalaya salad, sinigang na baboy, paksiw na isda, fried chicken and indian mango for lunch. I ate with my uncle, his son, my aunt, her partner and her partner’s daughter. We had no electricity, for some unknown reason. But we were all eager to eat. Then we realized something was missing. Coke (not good for the health, we know). Then my aunt said, “well, we only have limited budget (my parents are away, so we were left with a specific budget)”. Then my 13-year-old cousin offered his money. He said he just received his “salary” yesterday. I heard he’s the treasurer of their “paluwagan” (some sort of loan system? I dunno how it works for 13 year-olds) in his class. So he earned P35 for that. And that P35 became the 1.5 liter of coke that added to our enjoyment for lunch.

“That everyone may eat and drink…this is the gift of God” (Eccles. 3:13).

Thank you Dad for my family. Thank you that we have more than enough to eat and drink. Everyday, for 23 years of my existence, never have we gone to bed hungry. And not only do we have more than enough to eat and drink, we also find satisfaction in doing so. And much of the satisfaction comes not only from the food that fills our stomachs, but from the talks that fill our hearts.

–
My parents are in Mindanao. In more than 25 years of being together, they’ve only spent less than 50% of those years, physically together because my father is a seaman. Nevertheless,they are still together and are very much in love with each other. True enough, it’s those small hours or little wonders which define our lives. The last text message I received from them said that they have just attended a relative’s wedding and will be attending another relative’s birthday today.

Thank you Dad for my parents. Thank you for strengthening them to endure many many difficult times over the years. Thank you that you also give them time to enjoy each other’s company, though not as often as they deserve to, but still, thanks. Thank you that I have a priceless treasure to inherit from them —their model of love and marriage.

–
My relatives in Iloilo have cried a river over lives and properties lost from the recent flood, the worst disaster to ever hit my beloved hometown, thanks to typhoon Frank. The third floor room extension of my aunt’s house saved the whole family and their dogs. How devastating it must be to go back to your house or your room and find your most treasured things — wedding pictures, pictures of your children when they were still kids, or the sofa that you’ve worked hard or waited long to buy, to see them now destroyed or worse, gone.

Thank you Dad that the rain did stop. Thank you that you kept my family safe in Iloilo. Thank you for keeping them warm and healthy despite being wet,cold and hungry in those hours of waiting for the rain to stop. Thank you for your grace that though they lost things, they have not become bitter and cursed you for what happened. Instead they are most grateful to you that you only took away their possessions, and not their lives.

–
My cousin almost lost his son in the flood. They were at the top of a neighbor’s roof and for a split second, my nephew slipped off his hand. He could have fell straight into the flood and we could have lost him. He was only seven years old. But my cousin was able to recover him. In less than a minute, a life could have been lost. His sister, a year older, when the water has subsided few days later, was worried about their books, bags, and other things for school. She asked her mother how they can go back to school without their things. What a sweetie, she probably didn’t even realize she wouldn’t even have her school to go back to.

Thank you Dad for your shield and protection over my family. Thank you for my seven year old nephew who is still with us today. Thank you for my niece and for her passion for learning. May her passion increase as she grows. Thank you for my my cousin and for his wife. Thank you for keeping them sane during those painful moments.

I can never find enough words to describe what just happened to my family and friends in Iloilo. It is still heavy up to date. Whenever I try to articulate what’s on my mind, what I end up writing doesn’t reflect the severity of the pain and the strength of the people there who endured it all. It probably never will.

What happened to the boat which sank in Sibuyan island is equally painful as well. MIMAROPA is my current beloved home. That picture of the boat is so painfully clear in my head, as I myself have travelled often in the past four months in the waters of MIMAROPA. It’s painful to imagine how it was like being trapped in there.

The old man who had just been released from prison and was on his way home to Cebu.
The guy who had his four-month-pregnant girlfriend in there.
Old couples. Young couples. Fathers. Mothers. Children who have yet to see the beauty of our world.
Images of these people, though strangers to me, have become like family only because in one way or the other who they were (boat passengers) at that particular moment and where they were are familiar environments to me.

The many times I’ve traveled, it could have happened to me. But it didn’t. And it happened to them.

The guy who checks my ticket before I enter the air conditioned cabin. The guy I pay no attention to who demonstrates how to wear the life jacket. The girl on the canteen who hands me my cup noodles. The guy I sleep beside with. The old woman in front of me waiting in line to use the bathroom. The group of young people who constantly take each other’s pictures. The captain.

It could have been us.

I have great imagination and I’ve always delighted in having it because it brings me to places I could only dream of. It has brought me to heaven. It has recently brought me to hell as well.

Stories, worse than what I may have mentioned, have been on the news everyday since Typhoon Frank hit last Saturday. I pay no attention and deliberately avoid having to talk about it MORE than what my family has relayed to me. I have been trying to balance my mixed emotions of guilt and relief, joy and sadness.

I am grateful and most happy for my family and what has happened to us. I am guilty and sad that it couldn’t be the same for many.

Father you are King over the flood.
I will be still, know you are GOD.

Thank you Dada.

Pray for us. Pray that the rain will stop.

That’s part of the text message my mom got from my aunt in Iloilo City at around 3:30 pm today. They’re stuck at the third floor extension of their house. REASON: Typhoon Frank.

Where was I then? MALL.

The agony of guilt.

Now you can get a TASTE of the PAMBANSANG KAMAO for only P4 exclusively at Julie’s bakeshop. =)

Truly fascinating!Truly Filipino! =)

Just a few minutes after this photo was taken (in which I looked very happy, as you can see), the driver asked us to remove the coverings we just wore. The road was dusty and so it was the most fitting thing to do if we didn’t want to end up looking like espasols. We found out later, as the driver narrated to us, that while we were up there in the community we visited, one man asked him to relay the message to the government forces (through text) that there were five sightings of you-know-what and that they should send rescue or back-up for a supposed encounter.

So that’s why. The driver said he just wanted to avoid any conflict or trouble along the way particularly because my colleague really looked like one of “them”. I can say this now, not just because of previous knowledge or common sense that “they” actually looked like this but on this trip as well, I was fortunate to have seen two of “them”—one on our way up on a motorcycle and one on our way down riding a horse. My colleague, I have to say, kind of looked like them especially with the shades on.

I’ve always been interested to hear their side of the story, personally and not just through another person. I’m not a leftist or right-ist(what? is there such a term?) but I really just want to hear it from them once and for all, for the simple reason that one cannot judge or give an opinion with good basis if that person has no first-hand encounter or knowledge about whatever it is that he or she is writing about.

It’s always easy to make a big fuss about something or give your comment or opinion. As people say, everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. But there are baseless, shallow, unnecessary opinions and there are good ones. Of course, I choose to have the latter.

Hopefully I will be back. And when I do come back, I’d be able to go to this certain barangay, in which going there would have to pass through “their territory”. By then, I would not only be able to see them upclose more than ever but hopefully get to meet one of them.